


Undone

by Aryagraceling



Series: Catharsis [6]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Because it's me, Blood, Break Up, Cuddling, Cutting, Everyone Needs A Hug, Fighting, Love, M/M, Make up sex, Post-Mission, Scar Worship, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, i can't not write angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-03
Updated: 2018-07-27
Packaged: 2019-05-17 12:26:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14832240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aryagraceling/pseuds/Aryagraceling
Summary: Kakashi knows he deserves to be alone, that he's not worth it.Genma convinces him he's wrong.Slightly altered and very expanded alternate ending to Lattice.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Author does not support or advocate for self harm, but characters go where they want to go. 
> 
> Out of character Sakumo for sake of character development.
> 
> Also, there needs to be more KakaGen. 
> 
> Inspired by the songs Undone by C21fx and Oblivion by Zyrah.

Kakashi’s shoulders were set firm against the rain as he stood in front of the memorial stone. His fingers played over the carving of his father’s name and he dropped his head to lean against the black rock.  _ Fifteen goddamned years, dad. The agony doesn’t fade. Your blood stains my memories, you sick fuck. Leaving yourself for your nine-year-old son to find.  _

He palmed the small blade he’d slipped into his pocket before going out. It had been months since he’d last cut, and he yearned for catharsis. Chakra bloomed outwards as he searched for anyone passing by, and sensing no one, he sagged heavier against the stone, a single tear tracking down to the mask. 

“I hate you. Still,” he whispered. “You made me into this.” He knew it was foolish, blaming Sakumo for the patchwork of scars resting under his mask. His father hadn’t dragged the metal across his skin, hadn’t tugged up the mask insisting he was fine, hadn’t tamped the pain so far down inside it was a coal burning in his stomach.  _ That was me.  _

Kakashi barked out a short laugh that turned into a sob as the rain fell harder. His reflection was blurred as he held up the blade, trailing the flat edge down his cheek. He shivered in anticipation when he reached up to gently grip the edge of the mask. White marred the black of the memorial as inch by inch, his face was revealed. 

He trailed his fingers over the scars, turning his face to one side, then the other as thunder rolled through Konoha. “Look away then,” he muttered. “I don’t fucking care if you don’t want to see me do this.” Kakashi knew that was even more foolish--the thought that his father was hiding in the storm somewhere, urging him to be safe. 

Beautiful, painful,  _ twisted  _ heat poured into his soul at the first touch of the blade and the way a drop of blood began to drip down his face. More beaded on the line he cut, quickly washed away by the flow of rain. The sting gave him a feeling of purpose and he started anew, drawing a matching bloody picture on the other cheek. He let out a soft whimper at the thought that he could probably end this now, leave himself bleeding out into the grass before the shrine to fallen shinobi. 

“No,” he whispered. “Pain doesn’t stop there. Better it’s on you than someone else.” He pulled his fingers away and was entranced by the way the red spread out with each raindrop. “Two more.” He snorted softly. “Special occasion, right dad? Let’s live a little.” 

Kakashi drew out the last two lines, relishing the feeling of control, of easing the pain inside. He wiped the blade on his pants and just sat there, leaning against the stone, until the rain began to fall softer.  _ Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.  _ His chest clenched as another wave of remorse and shame washed over him.  _ You couldn’t wait another month or two. Had to do it now. You’re weak. Pathetic.  _

He winced as a memory of Sakumo invaded his mind. Kakashi had asked to be released from training early so he could help Genma with a project, and his father had made his disapproval well known.  _ ‘Will it help you become a better shinobi? A better soldier? Come back here, look me in the eyes, and tell me you should be playing with a friend.’ _

The cuts stung as he tugged up his mask, thankful the black hid the blood. He winced at the pain in his joints as he stood and patted the stone one last time before slogging through the mud to the apartment he and Genma now shared. The other shinobi looked up from his dinner when Kakashi almost fell through the door, exhaustion tearing his limbs to the floor. “What’s wrong?” Genma asked.

“Nothing,” Kakashi said, rubbing the back of his hand across his eyes. “Tired. Hard day.”

“Want to tal--gods, Kakashi, are you bleeding?” Genma shot up and crossed the kitchen in two strides, catching Kakashi’s wrists and examining the drying blood crusting under his fingernails. “What happened? Were you attacked?”

“I said nothing’s wrong,” Kakashi said, wrenching away. “I’m  _ fine.” _

Genma’s eyes hardened and he stepped back, hands in the air. “Fine. You know what, that’s just fucking fine. I care, Kakashi. Stop pushing me away. Who else is going to love a broken ANBU?” He stopped cold as pain shot across Kakashi’s face, quicker than the jonin could catch and eradicate. “No,” he whispered, hand flying to his mouth. “Oh gods, Kakashi, no. I didn’t--”

Kakashi waved him off. “‘S fine. Told you already you shouldn’t love me.” He walked to the bathroom and shut the door, ignoring Genma’s pleas to open up, let him in.  _ Why would I? You think I’m broken. Fucker. You’re broken too. Do you think I don’t see the poisoned senbon? Don’t hear the way you cry quietly into my shoulder after a mission? That I could just ignore how you put on an act around others, jovial and aloof?  _

His head made a hollow thump on the door as he leaned back and sank down to the tile, trying to ignore Genma doing the same outside. “Go away, Gen,” he said quietly. “I can handle a shower on my own.”  _ I’m not showing you my face. Not ever.  _

“I’m going to stay here until you come out so I can apologize. That didn’t come out nearly like I meant it to,” Genma said. 

Kakashi pried the mask from his wounds, drawing fresh blood. He stood and looked into the mirror, hating the man who stared back at him. Deep hollows surrounded his eyes and his cheekbones protruded sharply below the sockets. He knew it was unhealthy to take so many missions in a row without rest, but they distracted him. 

He looked away when he tugged off his shirt, unwilling to stare at the ribs beginning to show below his white skin.  _ Weak. Why can’t you handle it? Do better.  _ He dragged a finger over one of the cuts, smearing a bead of blood to his lips. Iron burst on his tongue when it flicked out to taste.  _ Life. Metal and salt and darkness and pain.  _

A sharp exhale left his body when he prodded a little too hard at a line on his jaw. “Shit,” he muttered, watching blood begin to flow again. “It’ll wash off.” 

“What’d you say?” Genma called through the door.

“Nothing.” Kakashi turned on the shower and dug the heels of his hands into his eyes with a long groan.  _ You can make it. Shower, then bed. Then mission again in the morning. Four weeks. Soon.  _ He thought about walking to Genma, showing the tokujo exactly why he hid, explaining away the scars and loving him the way he should.  _ The way he loves me.  _

But twenty years of hiding had grown into an obsession, an addiction, and there was no going back now. No unmasking. A year and a half with Genma and never once had he shown himself. He didn’t know why the assassin stayed with him.  _ Told him in no uncertain terms he shouldn’t love me,  _ he thought.  _ So why? _

A gasp from the doorway invaded his consciousness as he moved to take his pants off, and he froze. “K--Kakashi, your face,” Genma whispered. “It’s--”

“Get. Out.” Kakashi’s snarl shocked even himself as he hid his face in his shoulder, breathing heavily. “Out!” His free arm pointed to the door, and Genma ignored it, walking forward instead with arms outstretched. 

“How long?” Genma asked softly. 

Kakashi shrank back into the wall like an abused dog as Genma’s hand made contact with his shoulder. “Stop. Don’t--” he growled when Genma made no move to go away. “Don’t  _ fucking  _ touch me.”

“Kakashi, you need help.” Genma’s touch moved slowly toward the middle of Kakashi’s back and the jonin hissed, unable to move any further. “That’s not normal, and that’s not okay. I should’ve fucking known, when you told me about the tattoos.” His other hand trailed lightly over Kakashi’s side, his arm, his hip, tracing the ink Kakashi had marked himself with. “Gods…” 

“Go away,” Kakashi muttered, face still buried. “It’s not your fucking job to care for me. And you wouldn’t like the way I’d ask you to.” 

Genma reached to turn off the shower and dragged Kakashi’s frozen form into his arms. The tokujo was shivering, and Kakashi yearned to hug him back, ease  _ his  _ pain instead. But that would mean baring himself, and that was his limit. “Kakashi, I’d do anything for you,” Genma whispered into the back of his shoulder. “Just let me help. I don’t care how awful you think it will be. What can I do?”

Something in Kakashi’s chest shifted when Genma hugged tighter. “Hurt me.”

He felt Genma’s shuddering sigh on his back and flinched. “Why would you ask me to do that?” Genma asked. “What’s wrong, my love? Why--just, why?”

“It’ll help. Trust me,” Kakashi said, rubbing his arm over the scars. “Just fucking--hit me, or something. Make it go away, Gen.” Genma’s sudden absence from his back stung worse than the cuts, and he smiled. “Or that. C’mon, Genma, you can do it. Hit me.”

“No.” 

_ That’s it. Get mad. Get defiant.  _ Kakashi dropped his shoulder, baring himself.  _ Not like he’s going to see anything new now.  _ “I said--” he put on his blankest face, intentionally making himself cold, the ANBU Genma said no one could love. “ _ Hit me.”  _

Genma stumbled backwards, throwing an arm behind to catch himself on the doorframe. “I won’t. My dad hit my mom. No fucking way I’m hitting you just because you’re asking for it.”

“Not even if I ask real nice?” Kakashi asked, pressing him against the wall and grabbing at his groin. Genma’s breath came out strangled as he found what he was looking for. “ _ Real  _ fucking nice, Gen?”

Genma shoved him away and stepped backwards down the hall, Kakashi pushing him forward. “Stop it,” he said. “What the hell’s gotten into you? Snap out of it, Kakashi. You’re not thinking straight.”

“Oh, but I am,” Kakashi all but purred. This was what he’d craved at the stone. Release was one thing, but distracting him from the pain, that was something on tier with godliness. He grinned wolfishly at the assassin, scars stretching over his jaw. “Hurt me, Gen.” Genma shook his head, and Kakashi’s face twisted with a sudden rage. “Just fucking do it! You asked how you can help, now HELP.” 

A loud thud sounded through the apartment when Genma fell hard over a chair leg, staring in shock at Kakashi. His mouth snapped shut as something dark flickered across his face, and the jonin loved the way his face grew slack. “You want me to hurt you?” Genma asked. Kakashi nodded eagerly, the pain retreating quicker. “Fine.” Genma’s head hung between his shoulders as he reached for his shoes. “I can’t do this. I love you, Kakashi. But we’re done.” 

Kakashi let his head fall back as a rueful laugh burst from his chest. “Good. You can’t help me anyway.” His shoulders shook as the laugh morphed into a twisted sob. “Leave. Just fucking go.” He wrapped his arms around himself, bending forward and falling against the wall.  _ That’s it, Gen. Kill me slowly.  _ “Get out.” 

Genma paused at the door. “I’ll...be back sometime for my stuff, I guess. I’ll stay with Raidou tonight.”

The jonin sniffed out a laugh. “Perfect. Just fucking awesome. Leave me alone, Genma.” When the door clicked behind the assassin, he once again sank to the floor and curled into a ball. “Alone,” he muttered, over and over. “Like I deserve. Like you would’ve wanted, dad. A perfect, soulless soldier.”

 

**

The last thing he expected to see when he got back from the infiltration mission was Genma sitting on their-- _ no, it’s mine now,  _ Kakashi thought--couch. “What are you doing here?” he asked bitterly.

“Been staying here,” Genma said. “You didn’t change the chakra locks before you left.”

“Whatever.” 

Genma got up and examined Kakashi’s tattered uniform. “Hiruzen also left me with a message for when you got back,” he said. “You’re to go there immediately.” Kakashi pulled away and he sighed. “But I thought first maybe we could, um, talk, or something.”

“I’ll go,” Kakashi said. “Don’t wait up.” Their living room disappeared as he transported to the Tower, searching for the hokage. “You called?” he asked when he found the older man.

Hiruzen, as always, got straight to the point. “People are concerned about you, Kakashi,” he said. Kakashi scoffed and earned himself a glare. “Genma tells me you’re self-harming.”

“What of it?” Kakashi asked. “It’s not affecting my abilities as a shinobi. It’s fine.”

“It’s not. What happens when those destructive urges force themselves into a mission? What will you do then? Compromise us?” Hiruzen sighed and tented his fingers as he leaned forward. “I hate to do this, Kakashi, but I’ve thought long and hard about it. You’re dismissed from ANBU.”

Kakashi’s heart shattered. “That’s--” His brain got stuck trying to find the words, and he growled, clenching his fists. “That is the only reason I have for living,” he ground out. “And you’re taking it away, just like that?”

“I’m sorry,” Hiruzen said. The ANBU at the edge of the room stepped forward when Kakashi began to shake. “It’s okay,” the hokage said, waving them off. “I’ve assigned Genma to help you through your transition. He told me you two aren’t together anymore, but he knows you better than most people in Konoha. Let him help you, Kakashi. He begged me for the chance.”

The jonin didn’t bother replying before transporting back to the apartment, tackling Genma off the couch. “You  _ bastard,”  _ he screamed. “Leave and then take my one fucking joy in life and now you’re here, and--and--” A wordless cry escaped him as he thumped his fist on the assassin’s chest, making Genma wince. 

“Kakashi, I--”

“Why,” Kakashi moaned, bending low to rest his forehead next to his hands. “Stop taking away what I love.” 

“Kakashi.” Genma’s voice was as gentle as the hands that encircled Kakashi’s wrists, dragging them up over Genma’s head. “I’m here. I’m staying.”

“No you’re not,” Kakashi muttered, body relaxing into Genma's hold. “Everyone leaves. You won’t be the first and you won’t be the last. It’s okay. Go.”

Genma released his wrists to cradle his face in both hands, fingers edging under the edge of the mask. Kakashi didn’t fight when he pulled it down. “I want to be with you,” he whispered. He kissed a line from Kakashi’s forehead to his nose and to his lips, gripping the jonin’s silver hair tightly. “We were both wrong, and I’m want you to see that you deserve me, deserve us.”

Kakashi shook his head as Genma’s fingers traced the top line of scars. “Don’t, Gen.”

“I need to. Can you get up and move to the bed?” Kakashi settled deeper onto Genma’s chest at the request, and Genma’s arms encircled his body to lift him. “Gods, you’re light,” Genma said. “You need to fucking eat.”

“Why? Not like I’ve got a job I need to be healthy for,” Kakashi said. 

“You’ve got  _ me _ ,” Genma said, depositing him onto the bed. 

Kakashi curled into the covers, trying to hide. Genma sat next to him and pressed his shoulder back to the mattress. “What are you doing?” Kakashi asked.

“Loving you.  _ All  _ of you,” Genma said, nodding to his face. “Can I touch you?” An eternity passed as the assassin searched Kakashi’s face for any sign of a yes, or even a no, before Kakashi nodded slowly, sinking into the bed. “Will you answer my questions?” 

“Okay,” Kakashi said, gulping. 

“Take off your clothes, please,” Genma said. Kakashi obliged, and Genma began his exploration at Kakashi’s Sharingan scar, running his thumb over it and peering intently. “When did you start, love?”

“Six.”

Genma let out a long, slow exhale before kissing above and below the eye. “Gods,” he whispered. “Where?” Kakashi took his hand and led a finger to the mark lowest on his jaw. “Thank you.” Genma began to trace each scar, the loving look in his eye too much for Kakashi to look at. He closed his eyes as the tokujo continued. Soon his lips followed the path of his fingers, pressing gently along the raised tissue and murmuring how sorry he was that Kakashi felt this much pain. 

“Gen…” Kakashi felt like he was floating. All that mattered was the heat of his partner’s breath and the touch of his lips.  _ He doesn’t hate them. Doesn’t hate me.  _ Genma’s fingers tangled in his hair and pulled lightly as the kisses became more desperate. “Please--”

“I’m going to trace every fucking scar you’ve got, Kakashi,” Genma said. “I love each of them, because they’re the tapestry of you. And you’re breathtaking.” He nipped at the back of Kakashi’s jaw, teeth scraping over a scar Kakashi hadn’t given himself. “What’s this one?”

“Rain nin got me. I almost died,” Kakashi said. “Two weeks in the hospital.” 

“You should be careful.” Genma dragged his lips to the other side of Kakashi’s throat to lick a path to his collarbone. Kakashi squirmed below him and he smiled. “This?” He pulled a thick ridge between his lips and sucked a bruise into the skin below it. “Looks like it was painful.”

“Tr--training accident,” Kakashi panted. “Gai broke me.”

Genma laughed. “No, Kakashi, you’re not broken,” he said, brushing their lips together. “Cracked, maybe, but we’ll get you whole, love.” 

Kakashi whined when he travelled to his chest, seeking out each scar with terrifying accuracy. He didn’t remember how he got all the scars, but words began to spill from his mouth as Genma asked about the larger ones. “Kyuubi attack, war, assassination attempt, fucked up on exhaustion, fucked up on drugs--” Genma looked up, concerned, and Kakashi shook his head. “Been clean for years, Gen.”

“If you say so,” Genma said. He settled over Kakashi’s shins and travelled further down, pressing his lips to a scar on Kakashi’s hip. “What happened here?”

“Anko.” When Kakashi looked down, Genma’s cheek was resting on the scar as he stared at Kakashi’s now rapidly-hardening cock. “She, uh--Gen,” he breathed. “One of her snakes tagged me when I got too close to it one night.”

Genma pushed up on his elbow to look Kakashi in the eye as he kissed the tip of him. “Sure you weren’t getting too close to her?” he asked with a devilish grin. 

“Oh, no, she very much wanted it,” Kakashi said. “Please, love.”

One of Genma’s hands lazily stroked the copy-nin while the other reached down to trace a scar on Kakashi’s thigh. He looked questioningly and Kakashi stammered out a reply about the war, again. “How are you feeling?” Genma asked.

Kakashi gulped and twisted the fingers on Genma’s free hand with his. “This is...new. Different. A little uncomfortable.”

“Do you want to stop?”

“I don’t think so--oh,” Kakashi sighed. Genma began to lick at his cock and he groaned when wet heat enveloped him. “Please don’t stop, Gen.” Warm hands tugged at his hips, forcing him out of his partner’s mouth and over onto his stomach.

“Soon, Kakashi,” Genma whispered in his ear. His weight left the bed and clothes hit the floor. Kakashi gasped as the tokujo’s naked body slid next to his, gently rutting up against his thigh. “This, love?” He ran his fingers over a scar near the top of Kakashi’s shoulder blade, and the jonin began another round of explanations while Genma explored. 

Kakashi ground his hips into the mattress, desperately seeking some sensation other than Genma’s calloused hands on his back. “Gen, I--”

“I’m almost done,” Genma whispered to the small of his back. Kakashi let out a breathy whine when the assassin’s tongue swept over his entrance. “Don’t hold back. I want to hear you,” Genma said. “Take what I give you and fucking  _ run  _ with it.” 

Kakashi groaned loudly when the tongue pressed into him, gently working him open. “Fuck, Gen,” he said, grinding harder. “More.” He reached above him to grab the bottle of lube and shoved it into Genma’s waiting hand. “Please--” He cut off with another loud whine as Genma added one slick finger to his tongue, then another in quick succession. “F--love me, please.”

The assassin continued his ministrations for longer than Kakashi wanted, stretching and licking and sucking until Kakashi was a writhing, incoherent mess. He flipped the jonin back over and leaned above him. “Can I?”

“Yes, Gen, please,” Kakashi begged. 

“You’re gorgeous,” Genma said as he lined himself up. He continued as he pressed in slowly. “Beautiful. And whole. And worthy of love, Kakashi. Worthy of  _ being _ loved, whether you believe it or not.” He rolled his hips as he hilted, sending stars sailing across Kakashi’s vision. “There’s no need to do this--” he touched Kakashi’s face-- “anymore, my love. I’m here. I’ll help through the fucking pain.” 

Kakashi’s fingers dug into Genma’s back as the tokujo began to move languidly within him, kissing back and forth along his facial scars until Kakashi’s eyes welled. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, tears spilling over. “I’m so sorry, Gen.” 

“Everything’s okay,” Genma said softly. “We’ll work through it. I’m not leaving.” His hips moved quicker at Kakashi’s insistence, snapping forward as he panted above the jonin. “Fuck, you’re sexy. All of you.”

“I--gods--fuck--faster,” Kakashi groaned. Genma tugged his legs over his shoulders and he cried out when the tokujo pressed almost unerringly against his prostate. “Gen--gon--gonna--need to-- _ please,” _ he whimpered.

“Yes, Kakashi, come on,” Genma murmured, bending low to nip at his bottom lip. “Whatever you need. Come for me.”

Kakashi took himself in hand and stroked in tandem with Genma’s thrusts, bringing himself to the edge quickly. “Gen, Gen--” His jaw went slack and his head fell backwards as orgasm overtook him, hitting his and Genma’s chests. “Fuck, love you,” he muttered, clamping down around the tokujo.

“And--I--you,” Genma grunted, hips faltering as Kakashi’s sudden tightness. “Almost--” Kakashi reached up with one hand to grab his neck and tug it down, and the other hand pinched a nipple. “Oh,” Genma cried, burying himself one last time when Kakashi fisted a hand in his hair. He shuddered as he spilled into the jonin and Kakashi’s legs slipped from his shoulders when he pulled out. “Did that--”

“Yes,” Kakashi whispered, voice cracking. He hugged Genma close, not caring that his release was spreading between them, just needing to be close. “Gen, I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Genma murmured into his throat. “Just get better. I can’t lose you.”

Kakashi nodded and swept his hands up and down the planes of Genma’s back. “I will,” he said. “I’ll be better, I’ll do better, I’ll--” His face furrowed in pain and Genma kissed the lines on his forehead. 

“Stop, love. None of that. Not a fucking word about what your father told you. You’re already one of the best,” Genma said. “You hear me?”

“Yeah,” Kakashi said.

“And you know what you do now that I’m by your side?” Genma pressed up on his elbow and traced Kakashi’s cheekbone with a gentle finger. “Now that I know?”

“Um--” Kakashi looked away and gulped, unsure. “No?”

“You live, Kakashi,” Genma said. “You fucking live.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback via kudos and comments encouraged and greatly appreciated! You can also let me know your thoughts via [Tumblr](https://sparkswithyou.tumblr.com), [Twitter](https://twitter.com/AryaGrace4), or [Discord](https://discord.gg/sf4E5Up).


	2. Chapter 2

Three months later found Kakashi sitting numb on the forest floor, a cigarette on his lips and numbness crowding out any feeling in him. Fog caressed his skin as he inhaled one last time before crushing out the butt. “Three months,” he muttered, lighting another. “Even swore on Rin and fuck if that wasn't the worst decision I’ve made in a while.” A branch cracked nearby and he pulled up the mask, almost punching himself in haste before Iruka burst smiling through the trees. “What are you doing here?” Kakashi asked coolly. “Don’t you have kids to watch?”

“Gave them a half day before the break,” Iruka said, bending half over and panting. “I come out here to run.” He climbed down next to Kakashi and pointed to the cigarette burning uselessly in his hand. “Those things’ll kill you, you know.”

“That’s the point, isn’t it?” Kakashi asked. Smoke mingled with the fog as he sighed heavily. “Killing yourself slowly because you’re too much of a coward to do it in one go. And you promised you wouldn’t do that anyway.” He stared blankly ahead, ignoring Iruka’s shocked face. “Wouldn’t expect you to understand,” he said. “Go on. Tell me why I’m wrong.”

To his surprise, Iruka plucked the cigarette from his fingers and took a drag. “You’d be surprised,” he said after a long exhale. “I might just be a teacher, but I know the darkness. I’ve seen things.” His face tensed as he took another inhale and let it out slowly. “Haunts me too.” One last lungful and he handed it back to Kakashi, patting the jonin’s knee as he stood. “Are you going to be okay alone?”

“Fine,” Kakashi said, waving him off. “I’ve survived worse.” 

Iruka kicked at the ground as he looked down at him. “Genma’s supposed to be back today,” he said.

“Your point?”

“Ah, nothing, I guess,” Iruka said, rubbing his neck. “Thought it might make you feel a little better or something.”

“Thanks,” Kakashi said, letting his head fall back and to the side.  _ Of course it will, not that it’s any of your business.  _ “If you don’t mind--” he made a shooing motion-- “I’d like to finish this and not totally waste it.” He held up the cigarette, already half gone. “I’ll catch you later.”

“Let me know if you need anything,” Iruka said, shooting a worried look over his shoulder as he jogged away. “Door’s always open.”

Kakashi didn’t answer, waiting until the chunin’s chakra signature was barely on the edge of his radar before pulling down the mask again and bringing the cigarette to his mouth. “Don’t need a mother hen, all due respect,” he said. 

As time wore on, the small pile of butts next to him grew until the cold seeped too far into his bones to ignore. The late October sunset seared gold into his eyes as he packed up and walked out, taking out Icha Icha and pretending to read as he made his way to their apartment. His steps were heavy on the stairs, and Genma’s chakra reached out to him as he opened the door.

“Welcome back,” Genma said softly. “Wasn’t sure you were going to be home. I ran into Iruka on the way back and he said you--”

He was cut off as Kakashi walked over to throw his arms around him, over his shoulders. “I’m here,” Kakashi whispered. He tucked his face between his arm and Genma’s face and nuzzled close when Genma sagged against him. The tokujo was all warmth and muscle and  _ home,  _ and for the first time since Genma had left for a mission three weeks ago, Kakashi could  _ breathe  _ again. He inhaled deeply, the iron tang of blood not quite banished from Genma’s skin. “Are you okay?”

Genma’s smile was tense when he swallowed and pulled away, strain evident in every inch of his posture. “All good,” he said.

“You’re lying.” Kakashi let him go and leaned against the counter with arms crossed. “You know better.

“Top secret mission,” Genma said. He pulled a cup from the cabinet and tossed back a glass of water. “He told me you weren’t feeling well, Kakashi.” Kakashi groaned and turned away, but Genma grabbed his arm. “You didn’t cut again, did you?”

Kakashi pulled off the mask in frustration. “No, I didn’t.”

Genma nodded before grabbing a leftover takeout container and pushing him toward the couch. “You’re not going to either,” he said. He shoved the food around and took a small bite before setting the fork down. “Why’d you tell him you were killing yourself slowly?” His voice was soft, and Kakashi wanted to burrow into his side and take the pain onto himself.  _ I can handle it.  _ “That’s not really something to just...say.”

Kakashi shrank into the cushions as fear and disappointment curled around his stomach. “I’m still keeping my promise,” he said. “No self harming. Living. Just dying at the same time. I need  _ something  _ to take the edge off.” He tapped his fingers on the leather and stared at the blank TV screen. “I’m  _ not  _ a failure.”

“I didn’t say you were,” Genma said, foot snaking out to prod at Kakashi’s knee as he ate. “I’ll take it for now. We all have habits.” His thumb trailed over broken and cracked lips as he smiled ruefully. “Suppose I can’t say too much. You smoke, I bite.”

“Yeah,” Kakashi said. He took the foot and began to rub, drawing out an appreciative groan from Genma as he hit a tender spot.

“Kami, that’s good,” Genma said, tilting his head back. “Thank you.”

Kakashi hummed in acknowledgement, seeking out where Genma needed his hands the most. He slipped his fingers under Genma’s leg wraps and looked up questioningly. “Want me to?” Genma nodded and he unwound them, gently massaging away the red marks. His hands fell into an easy and relaxing rhythm, needing the contact just as much as Genma did, and soon his mind went blank.

Before he got to Genma’s knees, the tokujo pulled back. “If you don’t stop, I’m going to fall asleep right here,” he said, getting up to dump the container in the trash. “Um, would you mind--” he sat down and put a hand on Kakashi’s knee, looking down as he traced circles-- “do you think you could come in the bath with me? Just this once,” he said as Kakashi’s nose wrinkled. 

“Once,” Kakashi said.

Genma sighed. “Could you try and fake it, just for tonight? I know you hate it, but just...try. For me.” He leaned forward, head almost hitting Kakashi’s chest.  _ “With  _ me.”

When Kakashi tipped Genma’s chin up, his eyes were soaked in pain and told a story of cracks spreading through his core. “Okay, Gen,” Kakashi murmured, drawing him off the couch and into a hug. “It’s okay.” He swayed gently as he ran a hand down Genma’s hair. The feeling of needing release but being sworn to silence was something he was well acquainted with and as Genma shook in his arms, he cursed Konoha and its way of life.  _ We’d both be  _ fine  _ if we weren’t fooled by the myth of protecting everything. Can’t even protect ourselves, our minds.  _

Genma nicked a senbon from the coffee table as Kakashi gently pushed him to the bathroom. He stood, slouching, until Kakashi slid cold fingers under his shirt to pull it off. “You don’t need to do that,” he muttered, looking away from his reflection.

“You took care of me for the longest time and now it’s my turn,” Kakashi whispered against his neck. His hands tracked over Genma’s stomach and sides, then up his back to grip his shoulders once before breaking away to start running the water. “Take off your pants for me.”

“Hn, dirty,” Genma said, barely huffing out a laugh. 

“C’mere,” Kakashi said, swirling a hand through the water to check for temperature. “Get in. Burning, just like you like it.”

“Perfect,” Genma hissed as he sank in, curling against the back. “Coming?”

Kakashi stripped and pushed the tokujo slightly forward before wincing as he got in behind him. “Kami, this is hot.” As the water continued to run, he slid his arms around Genma’s stomach and rested his chin on his shoulder, eyes closed. Genma’s heartbeat thudded against the side of his face and his breath hitched as Kakashi positioned a leg on each side of his hips.  _ “All around me are familiar faces,”  _ he sang, reaching to shut off the water.  _ “Worn out places--” _

_ “Worn out faces,”  _ Genma continued. His voice was rough, back vibrating against Kakashi’s chest as he turned his face against the jonin’s.  _ “Bright and early for their daily races--” _

_ “Going nowhere,”  _ Kakashi whispered, kissing along Genma’s jaw.  _ “Going nowhere.” _

“I don’t want to go nowhere,” Genma said. He closed his eyes and leaned back into Kakashi. “I don’t want no tomorrows. Why do you like that song again?”

“Familiarity,” Kakashi said. He nudged Genma’s face up and away to brush his lips over the delicate skin of his throat. “Makes me feel safe. Thought it might help you, too.”

For a long time, Genma sat in silence, running a finger over Kakashi’s arm, tracing the veins. “Why did we do this to ourselves?” he finally asked. “All this  _ shit,  _ and for what?”

“I don’t know,” Kakashi said softly.

“Don’t ever leave me alone with it,” Genma said. He broke out of Kakashi’s arms to turn toward him and thread a wet hand through his silver hair, the other tracing the scars on his jaw. “Please don’t go, Kakashi. I can’t lose you...too.” He blinked rapidly, unable to stop a quick tear from slipping down his cheek. “I can’t lose more people.”

“Hey, hey, Gen, I promised,” Kakashi said, grabbing Genma’s hand. “I’m not leaving. You’re mine and I’m yours and all that, yeah?”  _ Fuck, what happened out there?  _ “I don’t break promises.”

“I know.” Genma’s voice was barely a whisper as he leaned forward and pressed their lips together, gently at first, but growing gradually deeper as Kakashi let out a muffled groan. “Just...extra don’t break this one, please, Kakashi,” Genma murmured against him before scooting forward to sit on his lap and pulling him close. “Say it again.”

“I promise I won’t harm myself, Gen. Are you sure you’re okay?” Genma nodded into his shoulder. “We need to get you to bed,” Kakashi said. Genma nodded again and Kakashi had to force his head up to look at him. “Can you let go for one second? Just to get out.”

“Sorry,” Genma said, standing and dripping down on Kakashi as he reached for a towel. “I, ah--”

“Shh,” Kakashi said. He unplugged the drain as Genma stepped out and tossed a towel to him. “We’ll get you in bed, and I’ll hold you, and you’ll be okay. Everything will be okay.” He knew he was repeating himself, and everything being okay was a myth, but when it was him in Genma’s shoes, it was comforting.  _ It’s the best I can do, Gen.  _ I’m  _ the one who should be sorry. Sorry I’m not better at this. _

Genma retreated to the room, and Kakashi walked in to him staring down at the bed, unable to comprehend the comforter.  _ Breakdown.  _ “It’s red,” he said, as if that explained things.

“Always has been.” Kakashi folded back the blanket and urged the towel off of Genma’s slim hips. He pressed him down to sit on the mattress, encountering no resistance as he pulled the blanket over him. “Do you want the lamp on or do you want darkness?”

“Dark,” Genma said, brow knitting as his eyes closed.

Kakashi shut off the light and climbed in behind him, tucking one arm under his head and draping the other over his stomach. “Is there  _ anything  _ you can tell me about it?” he asked. “You’re never this out of it, love. It reminds me of myself.” He kissed the nape of Genma’s neck before burying his nose in the blond hair.

“Nothing,” Genma choked out. He shifted backwards and Kakashi wrapped tighter around him, twining their legs together. “There’s so much shit wrong and I can’t say a goddamned thing.” Kakashi felt his fingertips as Genma reached a hand up to hold the one under his head. “There was so much blood, Kakashi. Blood like rivers.” His voice trembled, and he took in a breath. “Rivers…”

“All right,” Kakashi soothed. “No blood here, see?” He pulled Genma’s hand to his face and gently brushed their fingers over his scars. “And none here.” He tugged their hands down to brush over the scarred canvas of Genma’s skin, light touches that made the tokujo shudder in his arms. “It’s safe in bed, Genma. You’re with me.”

Genma whined and held his arm close. “I need--” He shook his head, almost cracking against Kakashi’s nose.

The jonin pulled his face back until Genma calmed down, then tucked his chin into Genma’s neck. “What do you need?”

“Please.” Genma’s voice broke. “Take it away. Take the memories away. I don’t want them.”

Kakashi reached up to trace Genma’s bottom lip with his thumb, sliding the other hand into his hair. “I would if I could,” he whispered, groaning lightly when Genma nipped at the finger before wrapping his lips around it. “Now?”

Genma bit softly again before releasing it. “No,” he sighed. “Maybe tomorrow. I’m sorry. Shouldn’t tease.”

“Don't be sorry,” Kakashi said. “I’m here for  _ you,  _ to make you feel better. You’re the one who needs it this time.”

“Mm.” Genma huddled closer and pulled the blankets tighter around them. “Still sorry,” he murmured around a yawn. “‘S not fair.”

“If you’re really bent out of shape about it, you can make it up later,” Kakashi said, kissing his neck. “There’s always time.” He hugged tighter and laced their fingers together as Genma relaxed more into his hold. “And you deserve all of mine.”

“I love you,” Genma mumbled. “Promise you’ll be here tomorrow.”

“I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else, Shiranui Genma.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback via kudos and comments encouraged and greatly appreciated! You can also let me know your thoughts via [Tumblr](https://sparkswithyou.tumblr.com), [Twitter](https://twitter.com/AryaGrace4), or [Discord](https://discord.gg/sf4E5Up).

**Author's Note:**

> Obviously sex is not the cure for self harm, and just loving someone isn't usually enough. If you feel the urge, please talk to someone <3


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